I haven't written on here in so long. It always seems to be when i feel really down, but i guess thats because i don't really have anyone to talk to about it. My uni friends are absolutely amazing, but i can't tell them that i get the urge to cut myself. I am so tempted to do it right now, i want to see the blood on my skin - it looks so beautiful. But i can't, i'd feel so ashamed and it would kill mum. I hate feeling like this, because i know i really shouldn't do it, and i don't dare tell my doctor or anyone really because they look at me like i'm a freak. Is this really depression? I mean i don't want to die at all, im completely not suicidal, but i feel the urge to cut bad. It's been a while since i felt it this strongly actually, to be honest its worrying. I'm just going to try to ignore it and hope it goes away. It's not healthy and it's not good for me. I just don't know what else i can do to relieve this tension in me.

Damn im screwed up! lol

xxxxxxxxxx

[	Tags	|	anger, homophobia is wrong	]
[	Current Location	|	home	]
[	Current Mood	|	angry	]
[	Current Music	|	heaven help us by My Chemical Romance	]

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Repost this if you think homophobia is wrong.

[	Tags	|	angry, strikethrough 2007	]
[	Current Location	|	home	]
[	Current Mood	|	annoyed	]
[	Current Music	|	BYOB- System of a Down	]

I've got the urge to rant, so rant im gonna do. First things first, i, in no way, shape, or form, condone pedophilia, rape, abuse, etc. I think child abusers are the lowest of the low. However, most fandoms containing such stuff is agreeing with my view on how wrong it is. They are illustarting how to cope with such awful events, and showing us/reminding us why we must fight against it. I highly doubt the amount of journaks deleted were all owned by pedophiles. WFI and LJ have gone about it in the worst possible way. I agree that the pedophiles, rapists, etc must be hunted down, but there are sensible and appropriate ways to do this. Highlighting to the world that you are going to hunt them on LJ will not help, and they'll just go underground. They should have done it quietly on the sly. There was no need to delete that many journals, the vast majority of which had done nothing wrong. I can't believe a child abuse surviviors group was deleted-that shows how ridiculous this has become. Thinking something is not the same as doing, and is not illegal. Writing a *fictional* story about something does not mean that you want it to happen nor that you will go out and do it. It is simply fiction, and if people didn't write about things like that then we would be ignoring a large part of the darker side of humanity. It happens, even though i wish with all my being it did not, so we shouldn't ignore it. We should highlight to people how to prevent it. Again, most abusers are someone the victim knows-93 % of the time. LJ and WFI may have just screwed up a golden opportunity to catch some pedophile scum and stop them from preying on innocent people. Well done guys.

[	Tags	|	depressed, lonely	]
[	Current Location	|	Home	]
[	Current Mood	|	lonely	]

I hate men. No seriously i do. My ex has given up asking for 'favours' now, which im glad for, but he's also almost ignoring me. I mean he is talking to me, but he's as easy to read as a book, i don't hold his attention anymore, even as a friend. He just doesn't care and that hurts, it really hurts. It doesn't feel like anyone cares, or wants to know. I told him last night that i'd been tempted to cut again recently, n he seemed so worried, n the other day this guy upset me and he was so protective, but usually and all the time now hes just...almost apathetic. I know i seem hypocritical but i want him as a friend, and it seems like he can't give me that. Why can't i have a guy who actually cares? God i wanna curl up and cry and hide from the world right now but i can't. I have to pretend i'm a little ray of fucking sunshine, yet again. This isn't a life, it's a freaking stageshow. DAMMIT LIFE FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!

Elena xxxxx